Happy Holidays from Your Employers

Dear Employee,

As part of our continuing efforts to drive our company out of business, we have decided to give you your holiday gift early. As you may recall, last year (your first holiday season with us!) budget cuts prevented us from distributing bonuses to staff, although our children were thankfully spared and received thousands of dollars of gifts that were no doubt forgotten within moments. We were glad to see the smiles on everyone’s faces when we handed out the eight-piece Godiva truffle assortments, though.

This year’s relentless drive toward insolvency has seen us vigorously furlough and eliminate staffing and we’re proud to announce that once again, we have decreased salaried employees’ numbers by half and have also completely eliminated all hourly and temporary positions! We know from your constant whispering to each other and broader-than-ever grins that you are just as excited as we are by this achievement. We’re confident that next year we’ll be able to completely eliminate all staff.

We digress, however, and realize that you are anxious to learn what exciting Gift we have for you this year, during the stressful and expensive holiday season. Well, no more beating around the bush—this year, in lieu of chocolates, we’re graciously giving every employee four days off! That’s right, the company will be closed for business from Christmas Eve until the first business day after New Year’s! On top of this exciting news, we know you will all be as thrilled as we are to learn that the generous additional vacation time comes with an 18% pay cut for this month—which you can optionally shift in part to next month, to help extend the joy of the season.

Sadly, we will be unable to extend the same vacation time and pay cut to ourselves, though we do plan on spending the time that the company will be closed in our Florida estates partying with our fellow conservatives. We are certain that our children will extend their greetings and sympathies from their new computers, iPhones, and Mercedes-Benz convertibles.

Once again, thank you for being such loyal staff! We look forward to terminating the rest of you by Memorial Day.

Warm regards,
Your Owners